Private Service Conflict? It Happens

Mitigating Domestic Staff Drama and Conflict

I recently came across an excellent LinkedIn post addressing domestic staff workplace drama and conflict. Having spent almost thirty years working for UHNW families, I have had the not-so-pleasant experience of acting as a designated peacekeeper, so the post struck a chord with me. I had to learn the hard way how to tend to workplace strife when it inevitably occurred. I had no manual, and so I had to rely primarily on my soft emotional intelligence skills. It was trial and error process that involved training myself to recognize points of no return.

Households should be drama-free zones but, humans being humans, conflict and drama comes with the turf. Addressing it requires a blend of professionalism, emotional intelligence, swift action, and doing the hard work of knowing when the well is poisoned and hard choices are forced. 

Here are a few suggestions I’ve picked up along my journey:

1. Establish Roles and Boundaries

• Responsibilities should be well defined since ambiguity breeds conflict. Ensure every staff member knows their exact duties, reporting lines, and areas of authority. I recall two Cook Housekeepers who feuded on a daily basis, and invariably the conflict was somehow related to the kitchen. There was no clear definition when it came to roles, so conflict occurred over silly stuff like proper seasoning, fridge organization, and best practices for making pastry. Pardon the pun, but without clear roles, conflict was “baked" into the work dynamic.

• Maintain a clear chain of command to prevent power struggles, and be prepared to enforce it. Make sure staff understand that chain of command.

2. Prioritize Discreet, Direct Communication

• Manage in a proactive manner gossip, whisper campaigns, and misunderstandings by nipping them in the bud with private, respectful conversations that are one-on-one, but include all the parties involved.

• Be aware of the legacy employee who condescends to new employees.

• Adopt a neutral position until you get a better sense of the conflict’s nature. Charging aggressively into a conflict zone will only exacerbate a situation. Recalibrate your communication as you gather further information.

• Inform the feuding staff that the matter is being addressed with the hope of a fair resolution. Sometimes employees simply want to feel recognized.

3. Document Conflict Circumstances and their Resolution

• A good manager maintains records. If tensions are recurring and involve the same actors over and over again, a Manager has material and warnings served as points of reference.

• Focus on solutions and not blame. Sometimes this is possible, and other times it is not. Try to include the feuding staff members in the resolution. Try to maintain a positive outlook and belief that staff will have constructive solutions. It might take them time to cool down and self reflect, but once they do, they often have valuable input.

• Sticking with the theme of record keeping, document resolutions and the staff members involved in order to ensure future accountability.

4. Foster a Culture of Discretion and Respect

• Emphasize teamwork, cultivate cross training to improve workplace respect, and conduct regular staff meetings where all staff members are encouraged to participate and not just the vocal few.

• Cultivate a collegial work environment that encourages a shared mandate that focuses on work and mutual support.

• Emphasize that personal details concerning the family and colleagues are never discussed outside professional contexts. For example, I know that salaries and bonuses are discussed between employees and that can cause problems. It’s a tough one to mitigate, but adding the item to confidentiality agreements can help.

• It’s so very important in a culturally diverse home to educate staff about different forms of communication, trigger points, and cultural sensitivities.

5. Anticipating Triggers and Mitigating Stress

• Make sure workloads are equitable to avoid fuelling resentment. 

• Introduce cross-training. It will help employees get a deeper understanding of what their colleagues do and the stresses they face in their roles.

• Private Service is a high-pressure work environment. It’s important for managers to implement policies to help reduce that stress. Protocols can take the form of regular meetings where to-and-fro conversation is encouraged, structured breaks (this is a tough one) in which employees can interact with each other while "breaking bread" together, and team celebrations of special events like birthdays or retirement occasions. I think these things help to reduce stress by humanizing the workplace.

6. Lead by Example

• A manager’s demeanour sets the tone. Treating staff with respect and understanding is a healthy step in the right direction.

• Try to stay neutral in the event of a dispute. This can be a challenge when one party has clearly wronged the other. Instead, focus on a shared mandate that emphasizes the virtues of sticking to work and conducting relationships in a collegial manner so that the home operates as smoothly as possible.

• I should add that redirection is a good way to maintain a somewhat neutral position. Trying to get both parties to enter the shoes of the other with empathy can be helpful. For example, “how would you feel if a staff member spoke negatively about you to another staff member?” It might lead to an “aha” moment.

7. Other Thoughts

• Good managers should study up on best practices for conflict resolution since it is an unpleasant part of their job.

• This one is rather corporate, but some sort of anonymous surveying or having suggestion boxes can help to identify simmering issues before they escalate.

8. Toughest Choice Of All

• Finally, if all else fails, I used to say to feuding employees they need to keep their conflict outside of the workplace, otherwise I’ll have to make a decision that either one or both parties will be dismissed. It serves as a first or second (there won’t be a third) warning. I always emphasized how much I didn’t want this to occur, but reminding employees about what is at stake is sometimes necessary, even if regrettable.

When you throw a group of people together into a high-stress environment conflict and drama will occur; it just will. A manager should develop a toolkit to address conflict when it does occur. By creating structure, fostering open communication, and prioritizing respect, a manager can transform potential workplace conflict into a more cohesive, professional, and harmonious environment.

The bottomline is that all employees are being paid to work in a residence to get a job done. Drama is not part of the job.

Scott Munden is President of Portico Inc., specializing in household staffing for ultra-high-net-worth families.

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